• Bob

    Snuggie came first.

    The Snuggie is quickly becoming a pop culture phenomenon, with an infomercial that makes this butt-bearing cult robe seem like the best thing since the chia pet. However, this ingenuous new warming device has a little competition (besides robes, heaters, and warm PJ’s).

    Introducing, the Slanket! It’s just like a Snuggie, but it comes in like a million different colors, has kids’ sizes, and even features a news section on its website to let you know a little more about it before you commit and what it’s been up to lately, unlike the snobbish, self-absorbed Snuggie, that implores you to simply gaze upon its brazen burgundy and royal blue backless naughtiness with flashy website graphics about how cheap it is and begs you to order right away. It even offers you a freebie! It’s like choosing between a slutty girl and that virginal mythical perfect chick that’s existed in every teen fantasy film since the 80’s.

    The Slanket website tells you some truly touching true stories, like how the creator found his parents snuggled up in the loving arms of the Slanket, and how it allowed for them to turn their thermostat down just a little. We get to learn how the Slanket was created with a lot of hard work, and how we should go buy a ton of them and partake in Slanketeering, which is ranting and raving about how perfect and wonderful the Slanket is. It is here that you will find true blanket-with-sleeves lovers who ask if there are Slankets for kitties and write about how they plan on trying to contact Oprah about it to tell her how great the Slanket is. The website also features pictures cool but normal people using the Slanket and refers to you as a “friend”. And since the Slanket is so great for keeping boobies and not backsides warm and is so perfect for the outdoors, it only makes sense that they donate part of their proceeds to help find a cure for breast cancer and to environmental groups. Plus the Slanket chooses to take the moral high ground and doesn’t try to drag its competitor’s name through the dirt; all it asks of you is that you take the time to learn more about it before making your decision.